Gag Disorder!

Who said comedies need a script and great punches? If you ask Rohit Shetty, the director of Golmaal Returns, he would tell you to just spoof some already unfunny movies, go to the internet and pick up some age-old one-liners and if it is a sequel, then pay a tribute to the original, and the movie is ready! It seems as if No Entry, Golmaal, Hungama and Welcome amalgamated to produce the disaster called Golmaal Returns.

The story is of K-serial obsessed Kareena Kapoor who suspects her husband when he spends one whole night on a yacht and cooks up a story to save his skin. Add to that a murder mystery, some villains and a dollop of confusion and you have the hotchpotch of a plot ready.

Even if you overlook some technical errors like the dead guy visibly blinking and the hideous and done-to-death scenes, you cannot discount great actors like Arshad Warsi (he laughs even before delivering the dialogues) and Ajay Devgan (he just looks bored) goofing up. Kareena Kapoor is back to her Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai days and overacts to the hilt. Shreyas Talpade does a decent job but one tends to miss the presence of Sharman Joshi who was brilliant the first time around. But the man who steals the show is Tusshar Kapoor in what is probably the role of a lifetime for him where he has been amazingly consistent in both movies.

The movie has nothing original, lacks wit, chemistry and innovative gags. Even if you left your brains at home, you might have a lopsided smile but nothing more than that. And to think that they are coming up with a third sequel… Aarghhh!!!.....Continue

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The Sunday Indian

“Be aware!”

“Be aware!”, echoed both masters. Here, it would be pertinent to note that both have been responsible for giving extensive close quarter combat (CQC) training to various law enforcement agencies, the military and some of its elite units. It seemed a generic directive, but as the South Africans proved, it was the one trait – being aware of one’s environment (moving away from glass areas, fire, checking for exits, and finding resources for barricading an area) that saved more than a 100 lives.

“Secondly, you should always stay low – you might escape both bullets and heavy smoke”, urged Vicky Kapoor. “Krav Maga (used by the Israeli Defence units) was designed to counter hostage situations”, he elaborated, as he showed us how he would’ve handled armed hostage takers even if handcuffed “and while most Israelis would’ve made difficult hostages because they’ve served in the army and trained in CQC, most of us Indians are neither trained nor aware. Even if you can’t get army training, every school, RWA and organisation should run programmes that run basic first aid. Doctors trapped in one of the hotels saved the lives of a wounded few with basic first aid techniques. Perhaps many others could’ve been saved. Teach people what to do incase of a fire or an earth quake. Offices have fire extinguishers but who knows how to use them? In case of a fire or explosion, more might die in a stampede. Simple evacuation drills could save lives. Martial skills could be infinitely useful, but the rest is basic and should be mandatory training for each and every Indian. Wake up, and take charge of your lives. No one else would do it for you”, he concluded. Incidentally, Vicky Kapoor has been training security teams in some prominent hotel chains in the aftermath of 26/11. Kanishka echoed the same thoughts. “We’re usually too busy walking like zombies to notice our surroundings. Why is that man so nervous? Whose bag is that? Where are the exits? Which is the closest hospital? I’m not saying you should be in a state of paranoia 24/7, but be aware of your surroundings. And be careful before you start a self defense course to prepare yourself for hostage situations. They work…” he said as he demonstrated how even an unarmed hostage could, at the right moment, “with the right training”, disarm an armed assailant and get out alive “… but you must understand that combat martial styles, like Kali (a martial art used by the Filipino Marines) begin where most martial sports (Tae kwon do and sport Karate are sports which’ve banned lethal techniques, focusing instead on scoring points) end. Their aim is to train to finish the opponent (even if armed), not score points and this distinction is very important when you choose a martial art for self defense. Presence of mind, common sense and even the ability to engage hostage takers in a conversation, a negotiation, could save your life. If that fails, train the mind and the body with self defense skills and you might still come out alive.”

I know what you’re thinking? What good are martial skills in the face of a bullet. Well, if someone wants to shoot you, he will and there’s nothing you can do about it. But in a hostage situation, escape if you can. And if you can’t, wait. There might be a moment when the terrorist comes close enough for you to act. I hope such a day never comes, but if it does, you might as well be prepared… See you in the dojo then… PS Mr CEO(s), do remember to organize fire safety, first aid and evacuation drills in the office. It might save more than just one life…....Continue

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The Sunday Indian

Star Cruise !

The routes of these ships keep on changing and there are a lot of cruises one can choose from, like Blues Cruise, Star Cruises, Royal Caribbean etc and the cruise packages also vary. The one I journeyed on, stopped at the Langkawi Islands and Phuket Islands for half a day each and I got down at Phuket Islands, the best and the cheapest place to shop. The beaches at Phuket were beautiful and I couldn’t resist trying out para-sailing, where I was perhaps the only one who was made to brush through the sea water for at least half a minute – perhaps the best moment of my life! I also tried driving a motorboat and later, after a Thai massage, I made my way back to the cruise.

Evenings can occupy one with a variety of activities. The ‘games room’ hosts talk shows, game shows and dance classes. A staircase from there leads to the Captain’s Bridge Viewing Gallery where passengers can watch the Captain toil over the complicated consoles. Then there is a ‘picture house’ that screens movies. The cruise liner also has a discotheque and an Africa-themed karaoke bar. So not only did my days pass by in a jiffy, but my nights were just as much fun. However, as they say, there are no free lunches in the world; most of the activities came with a price tag!

The last night was really special as the Captain and the crew joined the party with the passengers. There was music, dance and dinner... It could not have ended on a better note, leaving me with a lot of memories to be cherished... until I set sail, yet again.....Continue

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The Sunday Indian

SECURITY DISASTER

A Defence Ministry report of March 2007 stated that there is real danger from sea. Quoting from the report, Defence minister, A.K.Anthony, informed the Lok Sabha that ``there are reports about terrorists of various tanzeems being imparted training and likelihood of their infiltration through sea routes..." When further queried by a MP whether "maritime terrorism, gun-running, drug-trafficking and piracy are major threats that India is facing from the sea borders of the country?", Anthony’s reply was a categorical `Yes, sir.’

At the Fourth Regional Security Summit in December, 2007, at Manama, National Security Adviser, M.K. Narayanan – now in the eye of the storm – told those assembled that "there are now certain new schools that are being established on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, which specialise in the training of an international brigade of terrorists to fight in many climes...According to our information, recruits from 14 to 15 countries have been identified as trainees there... —``.

This is no ordinary threat either. The Ministry maintained that ``studies had been conducted about important targets, with regard to vulnerability, accessibility, poor security, absence of proper counter-terrorism measures, etc. The sea route, in particular, is becoming the chosen route for carrying out many attacks, even on land. ''

Despite overwhelming evidence and warnings, no lessons have been learnt. In 2000, in the aftermath of the Kargil war, four task forces were set up. Of them, one was dedicated to border management. Defence doyen K.Subramaniam, who authored that report warned that "the long coastline with its inadequate policing makes it easy to land arms and explosives at isolated spots on the coast." He recalled that this was the route taken to smuggle explosives into Maharashtra in 1993 before the Mumbai blasts. "The situation, if anything, has worsened over the years with activities of the ISI becoming more widespread along the coast…Such coastal areas must be particularly kept under surveillance." That, sadly, is the last thing that the security establishment did. ....Continue

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The Sunday Indian

Oh, brother!

For a limited cast of only five characters, “Sorry Bhai” is a markedly refreshing departure from standard Bollywood fare. The movie plays around with a simple theme of sibling equations as influenced by the catalyst called the elder sibling’s fiancée. The script is a typical take on the ‘dysfunctional-family-comes-together-for-a-cause’ mould. Harsh (Sanjay Suri) has been away (in Mauritius of all places!) from his family, while his younger brother Sid (Sharman Joshi) tries for a research grant for his latest hypothesis (a cranky idea involving a wooden dog!). When Harsh decides to get married to Aaliyah (Chitrangada Singh), he pleads his younger brother to get his parents, especially his mom for the wedding. The fun in dysfunctional is put in by the antics of the parents, played with superb chemistry by Boman Irani and Shabana Azmi.

Sharman Joshi does a pretty good job keeping up his boyish yet mature image while Chitrangada Singh essays a role that perhaps doesn’t present her as much of a challenge as her debut one did. For an actress of her potential, this is just about par for the course and she is underutilised. On the brighter side, the scenes shared by her and Shabana Azmi deserve special mention. Sanjay Suri exudes quiet confidence as usual and it fits his big brother persona perfectly. The slow narrative (you sort of expect that with a limited cast of characters) is a dampener though the locales of Mauritius do provide a picturesque background for the well shot scenes.

“Sorry Bhai” deserves a watch, at least for being far better off than the apology of a movie that other comedies have become.....Continue

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The Sunday Indian